The End of a Chapter: El Refugio

We spent five weeks at El Refugio.

In perspective of our entire lives, five weeks is nothing, a mere blink in our memory of moments and I’ve struggled with that truth, I don’t want my time at El Refugio to be a mere blink in my life, I don’t want to faces of the people there or the memories of the laughs to inevitably fade into retrospect. 

I’ve procrastinated writing this blog because of the sheer weight of it, my words will inevitably fail in conveying the importance, growth and joy that El Refugio offered. I hesitate because goodbyes are hard and we are conditioned that dwelling on them will only prolong those uncomfortable feelings. The race is teaching me how to sit in uncomfortability and how imperative it is for raw, genuine growth and healing. So here it goes, an attempt to sit in the uncomfortable of hard goodbyes. 

Jesus does this cool thing were, when we are so in love with him, suddenly everything around us is perceived through rose colored glasses, the work is faster, the food tastes better, laughing is easier and the goodbyes are harder. 

That was the perfect description for El Refugio, work days that were filled with good conservations and laughter to accompany our sweat, meals that seemed euphoric that allowed us to sit and eat in communion, and new friends that made our bellies hurt from laughter and the hard days seem a little bit easier. 

I have been trying to grapple at the concept of meeting and loving these new friends and then having to say goodbye with no promises of ever seeing them again. I have been asking the Lord to show me why. Why my feet were placed at a random camp in the middle of the mountains of Ecuador and why saying goodbye had to be so hard. 

The morning we left El Refugio, we eat our breakfast, packed our bags and played some last minute games of Cuarenta to settle the scores. Through blurry vision from holding back tears, Luis and I won our last game of Cuarenta (which never happens) and then suddenly it was time, that was it. In a crying mess we loaded the bus and hugged our goodbyes and as we drove away, I told myself it would get easier soon. 

As a few days have passed and our squad as been living at Mabe and Fabi’s for a week, It hasn’t gotten easier. My heart still feels a little emptier than it was before and whenever someone turns the corner, I expect it to be the familiar face of Luis or Benji or Bethany or Elliot or Aurelio or Jorge or Enrique or Holger. But it’s not, and I am reminded of the sadness again. 

I was reminded that the Father wants to spend time and mourn with us, he wants to get in our mess and cry with us at times, and man, am I thankful that the God I worship loves us that much. 

As I was spending time with him mourning, He told me to go to Book of Joshua. As I flipped there I found a crumbled old sticky note in it that I had written as a sophomore. The faded yellow sticky note had bad handwriting with a star reading, “God doesn’t promise a perfect life but he promises a fulfilled one”. 

I never thought that I would have to follow sophomore year Elina’s advice, but there I was, being reminded of the Lord’s promises. 

He never promised that El Refugio would be easy, that saying goodbye would be easy or that the race would be easy but he promised fulfillment. Understanding fulfillment is a lot more than mere joy, fulfillment is the experience of a range of emotions. Fulfillment is rejoicing in times of happiness and mourning times of goodbyes. 

The joy we experienced would be bland if the product of it was a mundane goodbye. 

I praise God that I have a reason to cry when I leave a season of life. I praise Him that we were not created to merely exist and survive. No! We were created to laugh until our faces get red and our stomachs cramp. We were created to work long, hard days of work so that our sleep would be heavenly. We were created to cry and grieve and mourn for things that are worth crying and grieving and mourning for. 

He created us for so much more than perfection but fulfillment, and I praise Him for that. 

The faces of Bethany, Elliot, Luis, Benji, Enrique, Aurelio, Jorge, Holger and Elias will live in my heart with sweetness forever. The things I learned, the views I saw and the ways that the Father revealed himself to me will dwell in my soul for much longer than a blink in my memory but a special home in my heart. 

I thank God for giving us the ability to experience a love this deep, it’s a glimpse of the Kingdom. To conclude with quote from the scholar, Winnie the Pooh, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”.

Goodbye El Refugio, or maybe just a see you later. I love you.